Out There

This is raw, purely raw...written straight from the depths with no protection filters turned on. 

A friend recently asked, “Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you put yourself so out there?” My response, “Two reasons”. One, to prove to others they are not alone in the issues of life. Two, to prove to others we all can overcome by The Blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony and walk in victory. To glorify my God who called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light. Yes, I know…that is three. {Smiling} I got on a roll!

A year ago January, my doctor told me I “must stop suppressing my emotions”. Where do I start when I’m starting from ground zero while at the same time attempt to not get in the ditch on the other side? My ISTJ (personality test result) screams, I “am quiet and reserved and am interested in security and peaceful living.” I know this is true! That’s why when “it hits the fan”…I move into action, survey the damage, determine what level of severity to place on “it” and recover as quickly as possible.

I will be honest. I don’t like it (putting myself “out there”). It is a side of me I’d rather just not expose. I’d much rather just smile, nod, and quote scripture while helping others walk through difficulties. But I can’t. God has placed in me a huge heart of compassion for those who are struggling. A fireman of putting out the fire of struggles! I must use what I have to help others. What do I have, my testimony. People cannot relate to fixed smiles, nodding, and hearing, “Let’s bow our heads in prayer”. Prayer is amazing and prayer works; however, people want to connect from someone who has been on “the other side” and walked through the flames. Sometimes, we gotta get down in the trenches with people, take them by their hand, and walk them out amongst the smoke and flames. In order to do that, we have to have experience in walking through to the other side.

Please note: If the family member who I am referring to in this post is reading this, please understand this is not at all intended to make you feel like a situation could’ve been handled differently. You did great! We all know, it is what it is. You handled this well, I love you, and I thank you. I’d rather you had told me than anyone else. And your love cushioned the incident because I know, you have my best interest in your heart.

Incident in question. I was cleaning my car when I received a Facebook message. Gotta love 2012! A family member informed me my paternal biological aunt had called my maternal mother’s sister in law to inform her that my biological father had died.

Ok…stop everything. Is it just me…or does the past seem very complicated? When people have asked me about my past, I jokingly said, “Grab a pen and paper, you are gonna wanna keep notes to keep up.” Or maybe I could have just written, I received a message. 

Moving right along. If you’ve read my previous blogs, you know I am adopted, I met the man who I was told was my father, and he denied being my father.

Upon receiving the Facebook message regarding his death, I blew it off as I do most things as I evaluate the severity of the situation. My first response was, “Oh, so this means I can now relax regarding his threat to cut my head off?” True story…he had made that threat because he said I “look just like my mother”.

Once the Facebook messaging was over, it didn’t take long…perhaps three exchanges, I went about cleaning my car. I thought, ok…we all knew this day was coming, this is done, and now we can move on. All of the sudden, something physical happened that I didn’t understand. I started shaking. I got cold chills, dry mouth, dizzy, and had difficulty breathing. All of which, was a complete shock to me because emotionally, I felt nothing.

See, I knew how to feel when my daddy (adoptive father) died. I fell apart. Called my closest friends and bawled like a baby…for weeks. It took me about five years, but I walked through the stages of grief with a lot of help from my friends. My friends helped me as I dealt with layers and layers of grief.

But now, how was I supposed to feel? Out of almost forty seven years, I only had accumulated approximately ninety days contact with the man who just died. I wondered why an attempt was even made from his sister to contact me. I’d only spoke with her twice. I hadn't had contact with him for almost twenty years.

I tried to process why I was having this physical response. It wasn’t as if I had yearned for a relationship with this man and he rejected me. Or I wished for a relationship to be restored. The only thing I had wanted for him, my only prayer regarding him was for him to receive Jesus. And I don’t even know if he did. So why this disturbance in the force, so to speak. So why this physical response? I don’t know. Is that bad grammar? Yes, it is.

I never walk through the fire alone. (Deuteronomy 32:30) I recognized this as an attack. I contacted one of my closest friends. Immediately, she gave me peace and strength (as she always does). No weapon formed against me shall prevail! (Isaiah 54:17) Praise God for friends!

God gave me a daddy, an amazing daddy and he left no stone unturned in the daddy department. He met all my needs as a dad. I was a daddy’s girl. He spent time with me. He took me to church. He provided for me. He went to great lengths to teach me godly principles. I was a priority in his life. God even placed in my life an amazing spiritual father who checks on me, loves me, and prays for me. I am phenomenally blessed when it comes to dads. Last and certainly not least by any definition of the word, I have an unfailing Heavenly Father! In the daddy department, nothing in my heart is lacking.

Even though my foundation had been shaken a bit, I do know this. Since I faced this, others have faced this and others will face this.

And I know:

No weapon formed against me shall prevail against me!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

I praise Him, He causes me to triumph!

Since He be for me, who can be against me!

He works all things out for my good!

I know He is good and I know His Word is Truth, Truth trumps true. (Thank you Bro. T.L.)

There is another side to this. And I will use all of this to the glory of God.

What about you? Have you had similar responses? If so, how did you process it?