I Apologize

Several months ago, an acquaintance hurt my feelings. The how, what, when is not critical to the point I want to make here. Weeks later (at the prompting of a mutual friend) she sent me an email listing all her reasons why she hurt my feelings. Without going into irrelevant detail, the email was basically made up of, "Things have been hard for me." and "I've been dealing with some stuff." The email had the underlying tones of an apology; however, her email consisted of all her hardships but not how her reaction to her hardships hurt me as well as other innocent bystanders.

For those of you who are wondering, she doesn't follow my blog and most likely will never read this. However, if she happens to stumble on it...just think of all the people who have been set free because of this situation! Always jump on a chance to work things out for good!

My first response to her email was, learn how to apologize. Then I read the blog I wrote on forgiveness. {Smile} When I stand praying, I first forgive anyone and refuse to hold a grudge so that my Father in Heaven will forgive me also. (Mark 11:25) I made the correct choice! His grace is sufficient for me! (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I didn't return an email stating she should learn how to apologize. Thankfully, I wasn't even tempted to; however, if she could've taken a joke at that point...I would've just for the humor factor. But since I hardly knew her...I wasn't willing to risk how she might respond and possibly fuel the wrong momentum. I chalked it off for being what it was and not thinking another thing about it except...through my excitement thought, "There has got to be a great blog in here somewhere!"

I've read Dr. Larry Ollison's Book, Breaking the Cycle of Offense...twice. I've learned how to refuse offense and walk in freedom; however, this situation made made me think.

I started thinking, "I apologize." What does that mean exactly? One definition I found documented regretful acknowledgment of a fault or offense. A'hah! Regretful acknowledgement of a fault or offense. That's the part of the email that was missing! She went into great detail of all the reasons why she did what she did; however, never once considered how to clean up the mess for the one's left in her wake. In other words, she considered her feelings while failing to consider the feelings of everyone in her radius.

Next step...I was convinced I must write a blog on how to effectively apologize! Moments later...realize someone has probably already done that. Why reinvent the wheel when there is GOOGLE! The following link has insightful information on apologizing effectively.

http://words4mind.blogspot.com/2008/05/5-steps-to-effective-apology.html#!/2008/05/5-steps-to-effective-apology.html

If the link fails to work, I've copy and pasted it's contents below for your convenience.

5 Steps to an Effective Apology

1. Make it genuine - Anyone can spot a false apology and it will do more harm than good. A genuine apology is aimed solely at taking responsibility and overcoming a disturbance. There are no hidden obligations or expectations attached.

2.Don’t justify your actions - If you are busy explaining why you did what you did, it will start to sound like you aren’t apologizing at all, that you aren’t ready to take responsibility. A brief explanation may help understanding, while a justification may just fuel the disturbance.

3.Make a commitment to change - If you can’t confirm that you mean to improve, then you aren’t committed to an apology. If you aren’t committed to changing your habit of getting home late, don’t say “Sorry I am home late”. This will be a hollow and ineffective apology. You are better off thanking the other person, “Thanks for putting up with me coming home so late. I appreciate it” and taking it from there.

4.Phrased you apology carefully - Make sure the other person knows why you are apologizing. “I was passing by so I thought I’d drop in and say sorry” is a lot different to “I wanted to come and apologize because I really do care about this relationship”. Don’t fake it. If you have a good reason to keep the relationship alive the other person will want to hear it.

5.Be prepared for an awkward conclusion - While sometimes an apology is followed straight away by a counter apology and peace and flowers and little birds carrying banners of love through the air, not everyone reacts this way. Some people will behave indifferently, some will behave coldly, and some will react in a downright hostile way. This is out of your control. You have made the step to apologize. Doing it in a productive way is the best you can do. Maybe the other person will appreciate it now, later, or never. No matter what, you have done your bit and you can relax. The rest is up to them.

Written by Campus Fest

Side note: A few weeks ago, I had to apologize to a dear, sweet, long time friend. I had had a meltdown on some issues I was trying to resolve. I was basically thinking out loud, I said too much and went too far. Once the LORD prompted my heart to apologize to her she did the most amazing thing. She had every right to give me a verbal smack down. I deserved it. But instead, she comforted me and thanked me for being real. She had all right to point out everything I said wrong and "put me in my place". But instead, she restored me gently. (Galations 6:1) As a result, I had an amazing break through in my life and it was instantaneous! The windows of Heaven burst open in a very critical area of my life! 

So, the next time you are in a position to apologize to someone, consider this information. And, if you are helping someone work out an apology, this is a great resource. Or, if someone apologizes to you, Galations 6:1 them...it will be a win-win every time!